


Unsent

by violet_quill



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-07
Updated: 2010-11-07
Packaged: 2017-10-13 02:38:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/131902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violet_quill/pseuds/violet_quill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus wrote a letter to Lily Potter expressing his feelings about their former relationship... shortly after, the events at Godric's Hollow occurred and he never had a chance to send it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unsent

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2004. Partially inspired by 1) one of the couples in Love, Actually and 2) movie!Remus' little Lily soliloquy. Originally posted [here](http://violet-quill.livejournal.com/3094.html).

Dearest Lily,

Writing this letter is quite possibly the most selfish thing I have done in my entire life. I realize now before I even begin that I should stop, because it will only disrupt your life and cause you pain - and the last thing I want to do is hurt you. But I also know how important the truth is to you - the most important thing, you told me once. So I write this now without hope or agenda, only in an effort to offer you the truth, which we both know can be a very powerful thing. What you choose to do with this power is completely up to you.

I once lied to you, and I regret it now. There were many reasons why I did it - but mostly because I was scared. I fooled myself into believing that I was only doing what was best for you, spinning justifications about how to show that I loved you I had to let you go. In my mind, when I told you I didn't love you, I was really proving that I did. But I realize now that even more than I was lying to you, I was lying to myself. I never should have thought that causing you pain could be the solution to anything.

I know that time has changed things. It has healed old wounds. I know that you truly are happy now, and that is one of the reasons I find it so difficult to write these words. Perhaps even now I am simply justifying my actions - convincing myself that you deserve to know the truth, when in reality my only motive is show you that whereas you may have found happiness, I have not.

The truth is, the last night we were together may have been the last time that I felt truly whole, and that was nearly three years ago. I could ask you if you remember, but I know you well enough to realize that you could never forget any more than I could. You told me that night how much it was killing you inside to deceive James. You also told me that he had confessed his love for you - that those words had finally come from his lips when they had already slipped so easily from mine. Perhaps it was easier for us - we had only been together in private, with no one to witness our affirmations but the sky or the walls of the shrieking shack.

We both knew that you had to make a choice. What you may not have realized was that I had a choice to make as well. So when you made yours and I decided that it was the wrong one, I did what I thought I had to do. I lied to you and pushed you directly where you belonged - into the arms of my best friend.

Do you think it would have been better if nothing had ever happened? What if, on that night you found me in the astronomy tower - nearly passed out from the pain of my own urges, bathed in the light of the waxing moon - you had left me there? But you didn't. You stayed. And you gave me something that James, Sirius, and Peter never could - comfort. On the nights of the full moon, they provided me with the kind of support that I needed then. But on the nights leading up, when the animal inside me was begging for release, it was you that I needed, that I wanted, that I craved. And we both realized that it was something private, just for us, and the others never knew.

But for the longest time, it was constrained to those few nights - nothing more. When you started seeing James, I couldn't blame you even though the jealousy was eating me alive. Maybe you were waiting for me to speak up, to tell you that he couldn't have you because I needed you, that I needed you all the time. But - and I say this now with all the regret that comes with it - I was a coward. I couldn't believe that anyone would possibly want me when they could have James. Perhaps I still feel that way now, even knowing everything I do.

And then we managed to hold out for so long - how did I stand it, seeing you with him? But then one night something gave, something snapped and there we were again. I told you that I loved you. And you told me about the beauty that you saw inside of me that I even I couldn't see. I still can't, and I wonder if you do when you see me today.

We were so young. So foolish! Our only thought was to not hurt James, because we loved him so much... but neither one of us had the wisdom or the foresight to realize that the painless thing would have been to tell him then, before it got any further. But instead we kept it inside and you said you were waiting for the right time... until that night came when you decided that you had to make a choice.

I know that you never faulted me for what I was. You even managed to convince me that the wolf was part of me and that you loved it as much as you loved the rest of me. But I knew - I knew what I was, and what that would mean for you. When you had a choice between a normal life and one with me, I just couldn't let you make the wrong decision. I knew that you loved James, even if you didn't feel it as strongly at the time.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do - to tell you that I didn't love you so that you would return to him. And even though my heart is laced with regret now for what I gave up and for the lie I had to tell, I do not feel that I made the wrong decision.

You do love him, and I can tell now that it is as strong as anything you ever felt for me. And you have Harry, who is worth a thousand of each 'I love you' I ever uttered. I am not writing this to you in hopes that you would give any of that up - on the contrary, I would never consider it. If you no longer love me, then you will stay. And if you do love me, then you would still stay, because it is my greatest wish for you to remain as happy as you are with your family.

You probably realize that this parchment is charmed to only be read by you. You will probably wish to dispose of it in some way after doing so, just in case. I know that James never knew about us, nor did Sirius and Peter. Though Sirius has always suspected that something was amiss - of course he did, he may understand me better than anyone in the world except for you. But he simply recognizes my discomfort and has made a false assumption... he is always telling me that I need to put my dislike for you aside and pretend to be happy for James. It's all I can do to keep from laughing at that, but I've managed to fool him for quite a long time.

My other motivation for writing this is party because of that - because I need to bring some closure between us so that I can be happy for you, and continue to be a part of your family's lives. I've felt this invisible barrier between myself and James for the past three years; luckily he seems to have just written it off as us "growing apart". I've realized recently, though, that I need his friendship... but even more, I need yours.

You may not still love me the way that I love you, but I hope that you still hold my friendship dear, and that we can be as we once were - before you and James, before you and me.

I think it was seeing Harry on his first birthday that brought out these feelings for me - it made me realize that life is too short for regrets, and that friendships are the most important thing in these troubled times. The world is such a difficult place for a child to grow up in right now; it's hard enough for us to deal with what we must. We have to stick together if we're to have any chance at all.

You've always known that I would die for you, Lily, but you should also know that I would do the same for James, and now Harry. They have become an extension of you now, and in such I cannot help but love them.

Halloween grows near and I know that you and James will soon have to make an important decision of your own as dark forces slip farther into your lives. But know that I will always be there for all of you.

I love you, and I wish you the greatest happiness.

 

Remus


End file.
